(no subject)

The thought of livejournal has not crossed my mind for over a year.
If only that could rub off on my cell phone, and facebook.

Life is much more meaningful to me than a mere 365 days ago.
Being single has been better than being in a lying relationship. Who knew?!

A year from now I'd like to look back on this and feel as though I've come that much farther.

I have great people in my life, and true affection from those around me. 

Fantastic!

(no subject)

It's a mystery as to why I still love those that lie through their teeth.
Why I am still spinning my tires in this mud hole of love, and wondering what the next move is.
I pray for the courage to stand up for myself, and call out those who have done me wrong.
But I feel like it's not my place.
THEY need to be ready before I can spill the beans.
And that's just wrong.
Everything truly does happen for a reason.
I'm sure there's many reasons why there hasn't been a reunion, or change of any sort.
But what I don't understand is why it's so hard to be thruthful.

I crave honesty and love more than any other.
I need to quit putting a face to that sort of happiness.

(no subject)

Trust is a huge issue for me.
An issue that has kept me from loving, and accepting people for who they are.
I decided as of this week my life needs to change.
I need to give myself a chance, and know where I'm coming from before I could ever expect someone to take ME seriously.
I've decided to make the secret a part of my everyday life.
I watch what I say
And brush off others negativity.
The universe doesn't owe me anything.
But I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I miss old friends,and wish I could be more than an acuaintance to so many others.
But enough wishing.
It's time to take action.


It's time to take action.

(no subject)

Why couldn't I say I love you?
Something  I know to be true, but fear of judgement held me back.
I've never felt so low.
Or full of remorse.
I guess this is one of those unspoken consequences.
You didn't lose my love.
I just lost my confidence in my heart.

(no subject)

It would be nice to know that I made a difference.
But really, how far should I push myself to expect someone else to feel closer?
I want to feel whole, and complete. And i don't want someone else to be the reason why I feel any different. 
I believe in karma. 
I believe that one day I'll make things happen for myself.
But two things I want in life don't seem to go well together. 
And I don't know if "giving in" will make me as happy as I once imagined.
Hearing those words which I won't repeat were very eye opening.
Extremely gut wrenching. But I need to hear those things so I can get over you.
I need to stop saving my love for you.
To feel like you don't need me the way you once did just makes me sad.
That's why this is so difficult.
And I feel the need to open up. 
Unfortunately on my damn livejournal.
But seriously. 
Closure could come any day now.
Any day...

(no subject)

This is real 
and scaring the shit out of me

I thought I was fine, but the slightest reminders make me want to break into tears
What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck is he doing?
I can't stand the mystery any more.
I want to tell him so badly how I feel, but it's not okay to anymore. 
Nothing is how I want it to be.
Give me space, give me time
Give me love right now.
I can't focus on anything and my heart is just  wrapped up in the future. Too heartbroken to deal with the now. c

Aug.8, 2005 - Mar. 26, 2008

Today I lost the love of my life.
Over stupid reasons, and tears.
I've been praying and asking for some sort of sign, or guidance.
Twice in the last week a poster with our names on it in my room has fallen twice.
It's never fallen before.
I feel so strongly that as bad as this hurts, we need time to grow.
I've never cared so much about somebody, or wanted them to succeed more.
He made me feel self-less.
I made myself feel selfish.

I feel like throwing up. Screaming, crying, laughing, smiling.
I don't know which end is up.
I never thought I would be in this situation with him.
I hope he has the strength to better himself instead of being with someone else.
I'm sorry if you ever read this, and it's too personal. I'm sorry. I love you unconditionally.

I need healing.
I need hope.
I need love.

(no subject)

Chicago was fun, but I cant stop thinking about how overwhelming it was.
I've never felt so intimidated by a new surrounding and that was really dissapointing. 
I need to leave my comfort zone soon before I loose my ambition to leave.

I can't stop having nightmares about this girl.
She haunts me.
She's more like poison to my blood stream I can't extract.
Randi Kay and I had an amazing talk about life.
But the phrase "It's easier said than done" couldn't be more prevelant in my life.
I invest my emotions into things that dissapoint me. Inatiment objects.

My life has become overwhelmed with things that shouldn't matter to me, 
and I'm losing sight of the things I truly care about.

I feel dead.
I don't know when I slipped into this funk, 
but it needs to stop.
I can't enjoy anything...